Something that I have been wanting to do for a long time. Reading the many journals of my time I feel that it is important for me to leave my mark here. I also feel that many will enjoy what I will write and maybe learn from my adventures. Enjoy

20th day of Midsummer, 1030 years since the Divine War.

I have lost myself in memories of the past today. As I rewind from current day, I remember the many happinesses and the many disappointments that I had experienced. Realizing that my memories are slightly clouded and some what incomplete, I decide that it is a must for me to write down the memories that have impacted me the most and lead me to where I am today.

The most enjoyable memory was that of when I entered the world. The difficulty of this time was immense. I could not travel the land without being lost a thousand times. The challenges of the land are numerous and very difficult to adjust to. I found friendship in many citizens of Thakria. The likes of Aear, Karma, and Ashmael proved to be essential foundation blocks for my development. Their patience and understanding allowed me to experience the world without fear of consequence or harm. During those first few months of my life, i relied heavily on their support and assitance. It proved to be a weakness though. My dependency on those such as Aear and Karma meant that I did little to prosper myself. I knew that i could go to them and the answers provided to me. However, one must experience the world of Avalon with out the guidance of others. Without this experience, your personal foundation has no strength. Cabe, Baron of Thakria, saw me for what I was. Annoyed at my very presence and disgusted by my questions, he threw me out of Thakria. As a result, Aear removed me from the first guild I had ever joined.

Enraged, Frustrated, Angered, Disgruntalled, and Betrayed were just a few of the emotions that I felt during that time. What happened, happened. I was forced to move on. To grow elsewhere. Mercinae became my new home, but not without hesitation. Thakria was my first home. I knew that I wanted to do my City proud. How could I though as the City's Barons would remove me from their ranks. I sought out those who had befriended me and asked for them to speak on my behalf, to allow me citizenship and ultimately a second chance to prove my worth. That day did not happen until many years later.

Accepting defeat was the first true difficulty of the land for me. I was thrown away from all that I knew and left for the wolves. I knew that I was in no condition to fend for myself as there was still much I had not known. I seeked new shelter and new companionship and found a new home in the city of Mercinae. Immediatlely, i found friendship in one who calls himself, Onix. Others helped me adjust to the world of avalon as well. I found companionship in the likes of Firentz, Amun, Stray, Nevaeh, and many others. The citizens of Mercinae opened their arms to me and I ran to them without hesitation. The world of Avalon is a much more dangerous world if you have no allies. It was in my best interest to associate myself with others.

Mercinae and the Rangers guild allowed myself to gain more experience in the land. I could have easily gained that experience with Thakria, however if it wasn't for the direct impact of being thrown out of Thakria, I would not have had the determination to gain experience for myself nor the desire to prove the City of thakria of its mistake.

I thought everyday about the actions of Cabe and hoped to prove myself superior to him on the battlefield one day. Through time though, my personal feelings towards Cabe and that of Thakria would become nothing more then mere rivalary. No longer focused on redeeming myself or proving myself to Cabe, my progression lead me to other alleys of life within Avalon. I found close companionship with a female named Neamhain. The relationship ended on a poor note though. Eventually I was not satisfied with the government of Mercinae. Flaws become apparent to me. The lazyness of the Barons and the inability for the citizens of Mercinae to stand united bothered me greatly.

I choose to bring my concerns to those that i felt could change it. The Barons heard my complaints and rejected their responsibilities to the City and their citizens. A revolt was bound to happen if something didn't change at this point...

Alas, my mind grows tired and seeks the refuge of a good night sleep. Another day, I will pick up from where I have left behind.



Note** I am trying to leave this journal as if it was my in-game persona. As such, i hope that none of this will be mentioned in actual game play as you would not actually be allowed to read my In game Journal. I wish to leave this here though as both a reminder to myself of what I have gone through and so I don't forget. Also for the enjoyment of the members of Avalon. I will continue writing my journal for my own personal reasons but if you have questions/comments/concerns/ect. please provide me a personal message here or msg me in game (where it costs 5 gold to message). Please enjoy!

In Avalon, it is the 22nd day of Hindyear, 1030 years since the Divine War.

Mindlessly i pick up my piece of parchment and begin where I left off.

Mercinae became my home, but turned out to be a place of betrayal. Friends, loved ones, people I once respected and valued abandoned me and called me traitor. In the midst of dealing with the problems of Mercinae, many lies were told which further aggrivated the situation. The accused liar was none other then Onix.

A man who i considered at one point to be the greatest of friends. Onix betrayed me at every turn. Manufacturing lies that would cause others to lose trust in my actions, and question my intentions for the city of Mercinae. At the time, i was completely invested in the citizens and the city of Mercinae. Onix's lies open wounds that I thought would never heal. However, what hurt even more so, was the way others responded to these lies.

Nevaeh, Baroness at the time, approached me and provided me with ultimatums. She indicated that if I put Mercinae at risk again, I would no longer be a citizen. Nevaeh had done this to me two times before and the third time, I had enough. I held Nevaeh in high regards, and thought that she would see through the blantant lies of the immature child Onix, however, she failed in my expectations. The third time she questioned my intentions, I decided that it ended here.

My committment to the city was quite evident. I did all that i could for the youngest of adventurers. I defended those who were being attacked even though I clearly had no chance of winning. I stood up for my self by expressing to her my feelings, and for standing up against myself, I was rejected citizenship. My emotions at the time kept me heated and words of irrational dismay left my mouth.

Nevaeh later decided to leave the city of Mercinae. My peers blamed her disapperance on myself. My intentions were never for her to leave our city. I wanted change, but I was not so foolish to think that she was not better suited for the job of Barony compared to myself. Regardless, she left, and i was there to be blamed. The ignorance of Mercinae was shown to me at this time.

Mercinae, City of Light? In the events the proceeded, there was no sign of light. Vengence, Immaturatiy, and anger were the only things that the City of Light represented at that time and now. My citizens, and friends, said the most awful things about me, both to my face and behind my back. Upon sight, they would attack me. No longer could I count on them for anything. In my time of need, where i felt i needed the most support, those who had agreed with my cause before Nevaeh left, claimed no association and openly mocked me. It mattered not to me at this time. I was quite able to fend for myself.

During this time, it was very difficult for myself to make any decisions. Calydon, a sworn enemy, spoke to me with great respect for the first time. He offered me insight to the ideas of Evil and I eventually sought out Lord Myrkul for further knowledge. Clytamnestra also made herself known to me. In truth though, I was waiting for something that never came.

I waited for the time where Lord Telemachus would speak to me, and express to me his desires for me to remain in his city. I waited for the other Barons of Mercinae to step up to the challenges that i provided for them. As it happened, Lord Telemachus only once addressed me on his own accord when i had killed a very young traveler on mistake. Time passed, and many opportunities presented themself to me.

I was offered a position into the Sorcerers Guild. It was my intentions when i entered the land to become a Sorcerer, however my plans were foiled by the likes of Ashmael. My growth from the time i was born upon this world proved to have made quite an impression on Ashmael. I was priviledged and hesitant with this offer. I wondered to myself a few thousand times whether or not I had it in me to be Evil. I didn't know if it was worth it to me to sacrafice the friends that I had. I realized that i wouldn't have to sacrifice my friends at all, because almost every single one of them had abandonded me. I joined the Sorcerers Guild and the City of Thakria.

Firentz, a man who fought for my cause to the very end, felt very betrayed by my move to Thakria. However, his actions after my supposed betrayal proved to solidify my decision as the correct one. Firentz sunk even farther then the likes of Onix. He held nothing back in his opinion about my decision and threw away all that our friendship once had. No longer did I second guess myself in moving to Thakria. No longer did i feel that i had lost something of value to me. Mercinae was nothing more to me then tthe roaches that i step upon.

The Gods proved to be my next challenge. My interests in both Lord Myrkul and Goddess Clytamnestra allowed me to understand the ideas and the purposes of both the Orders to an extent. However, I required much time to make that decision. My mind and body went into a hibernation. I existed for the sole purpose to exist. My mind developed expotentially and my body remained youthful and strong. My muscles though forgot the very things it had been trained to do over the years. It took me many months to train them back to the point that they were once at. Eventually, I made the decision to align myself with Lord Myrkul.

Which brings me to current day. I write this knowing that many events have been overseen and people that influenced my progress have been unnamed. This journal is not to give memory to names or events, but to remind myself my feelings in each event of importance to myself. I might reaccount my life in another entry,however, it is my intentions to live in the now rather then the past. Which brings this entry to an end.

In Avalon, it is the 12th day of Midwinter, 1031 years since the Divine War.

The last few days have left me very bored. My demons require more gold before i can summon any more. I am so desperate at this time to just give my demons my entire bank savings. However, it would not help, nor satisfy my hunger. My potions have run clean dry and I have been without enchanted items for some months now. It doesn't bother me that I am out of these things. It bothers me that i rely so heavily on them. Lastly, my herbs are running low.

My presence in the land is known, but not felt in this current state of things. Unable to defend myself from even the smallest travelers of Avalon, I find myself on constant alert. Waiting, watching, not doing anything but trying to be as best prepared as I possibly can be. It has gotten quite exhausting. I feel so weak, so depleted. In time though, all will be will. I will again rise above the foolish mortals of avalon and destroy those who stand in my way.

On a brighter note though, I had forgotten much of the terrain of Avalon. This 'inability' to 'defend' myself has allowed me to re-explore the many forgotten places of Avalon. I reintroduced myself to Thrullmere. All that is left is to hit the northeast portions of Avalon. Too long has it been for me to find my ways up there and fear that i might not beable to find my way home if i venture that far.

Although my last entry indicated that i would live in the here and now, the boredom that I have encountered has allowed me to relive some more memories. I write this in my journal not because of its importance or because of any other reason. I write this in my journal out of pure boredem. And so it starts like this...

In my very young days, not more then 21 years old, I was very intrigued by the Gods. I learned the history of many of the Gods, what they, each individually, stood for, and decided that i should make myself known to a God and ask their purpose. The God that I had approached was Telemachus. I had believed that Avalon would be a world of Justice. Where the world was set and balanced, was not so. Telemachus was kind enough to me when i presented myself to him. I thought i knew what i wanted. However, the world of Avalon is designed so the strongest survive and the weak are weeded out and thrown aside. I didn't want to be thrown aside and i knew that to avoid that, i needed a more direct involvement. Needless to say, especially due to my previous post about Lord Telemachus, he didn't pay enough attention to me and I began my search again.

Lord Diomedes was the next God I choose to invest myself in. For obvious reasons, the God of War had to know something of power and be knowledgable in the art of fighting. He welcomed me like I had never expected. Without questioning me, he provided me essential tools of the trade. Taught me life long lessons, and he trreated me as a son. I felt as though I was at home. No longer did i feel the need to have a God. Diomedes became more then just a God though. We spoke many times about family. I thought at the time that he was the closest thing to family that i would ever have in the cruel world of avalon.

Conversation became sparce however. Diomedes made himself less visible to me and i felt as though his interest in my had faded as well. My initial reaction was to seek that of another. I thought to myself, " I must know both sides of the Divine!" Lord Thanatos was visible for all the world to see. The only one at the time. Due to my previous encounters with the Gods I thought it to be a common occurence for mortals to speak to them directly. Without fear, I present myself to Lord Thanatos. This day is one that i will never forget.

Conversation was quick and straight to the point. I asked questions about his purpose, what he did in the land, and other questions that no mortal should ask a God. Lord Thanatos was not pleased with my questioning. He placed every curse, disease, mental problem, everything I imagine he could think of, on me. I guess i wasn't that suprissed as he was associated with thakria and he is directly the God of Darkness. Why would i expect an ounce of kindness from such a God?

Foolishness, arogance, stupidity, basically childish. I learned my lesson. I stirred away from the Gods from that time. I realized that they can be unpredicatable and need no reason or justification for there actions. Diomedes had taught me much of the needed tools and explained them so i could adjust them to my personal liking. At the time, that was all I needed and i made sure it satisfied me for many years.

Of course, my curiousity got the better of me and I started to ask my peers about the Gods. I thought that it would be a good idea to know what others had experienced so i might be able to gauge what to expect from divine in the future. Eventually, I became well enough prepared for what lie ahead and ultimately made the decision to join the Order of Myrkul, God of Evil.

My relationship with Lord Myrkul will remain private. So private in fact, that i refuse to write any of it in this journal. Gods forbid if i lose it and some fool read upon it.

This entry will end here as interestingly, my GuildMaster has returned and we have much to speak about. My boredom has ended and so i must go.

In Avalon, it is the 2nd day of Paglost, 1035 years since the Divine War.
It is the start of the summer.

I find myself idle, looking across the lake. The sun is setting and its dark amber reflection brings light about all of the surrondings. The horizon is made more beautiful by the trees that stand to the east. The filth of the day's labours dawns on me. Removing my pack, letting my sack fall to the side and removing my armour and clothes I wade myself into the deeper parts of the lake.

The cool waves of water rushing past my bare skin is envigorating. Losing all sense of time I find myself in the middle of the lake and the sun has almost fully set. Both the sun and the Moon luminates both east and west and a sudden moment of awe blanks all thought from my mind. Coming back to, I realize that the night is upon me and I must prepare for sleep.

Standing about the shore, standing tall and embracing the last bits of light coming from the sun, I glance down and see my reflection in the lake. It is as though the reflection is of a different man, and it sends a chill through my body. I stand looking in to the reflection for what seems to be an eternity. Thoughts run through me as though I were reliving entire events. Each event changes the reflection that I stare into off of the Lake.

The reflection makes a final transformation and it is recongizable at last. I touch myself, startled by this unusual experience. In a panic I pat myself, probe my face, almost as if I needed to make sure that it was still me. Confident that my reflection and the images that I had seen earlier were merely my imagination, I look back down at the lake. Alas the night has become absolute, starring back at me however, is a fiery pair of eyes.

Turning away from this event and putting it in the back of my mind, I continue my journeys. The troublesome Animists have made my life very difficult of late. Knowing the taste of their sweet blood, I became raged, and knew that any animist that stood in my way, I would feast upon. Neamhain was the only animist which made herself known to the land.

Setting my trap and waiting for the right time, I sprung myself upon her. Her eyes stared deep into my soul, penetrating to the deepest parts of my heart. It was of no concern to me as the blood raged state that I was in only saw the sweet nectar running from her veins.

The deed was done, and sense came back to me in a rush. This haunting voice, almost as though it was an internal voice asked me why I had done what I had done. Looking down into the vacant eyes of my prey, I recognized that she wasn't just any animist. She was my one and true Love.

My heart skipped a beat, I stepped back, and then gathered myself. She was no longer apart of my life. The voice which resounded within my soul pestered me constantly. Memories of our love flooded my mind. The first time we met, the first hug, the first jealousy, the first kiss, the first gift, the first fight, and the break up. It brought tears to my eyes. I quickly wiped them away and ordered the body from which I had feasted to rise itself from its sleep and become a servant to my will.

Her body rose to full height. Gastly wounds, almost as if a wild animal had torn into her recent flesh. Strangle marks around her throught. Her clothes torn and her body mangled the body rose to full height.

At random and only very briefly, images invaded my mind. The monster which stood before me turned into the woman I once loved. The twinkle in her eye spoke volumes about her love for me. The warmth and glow radiating from her figure invited me into her out stretched arms. The sound of her voice shows me what I have become and who I am. I am disgusted and appreciative all at the same time. I embrace her as lovers would after not seeing each other for many years. I bring her into me, hold her tightly.

Her lips are cold and disfigured, something I hadn't expected, I open my eyes and through myself away from the monster infront of me. Her voice which had been so warm and welcoming was nothing more then moans of the undead. The twinkle in her eye was blood which at one time gushed from her brain, reflected the moon back to me. Everything else was nothing more then my imagination.

The voice inside was no longer an internal voice. Purging these thoughts from my mind, it is clear that this voice was coming from a ghastly figure, hovering very close to the now walking dead. Almost attached, but somehow disconnected. It seemed as thought I was crazy because I began talking to this cloud.

Through the conversation with this, what now can only be called a spirit, I found that I no longer knew who I was. My mind, looked at things in a new light. I look at my reflection in the lake and barely recognize myself anymore. Reviewing my past actions, it seems as though I am responsible for countless, senseless murders. A feeling of aloneness sweeps through me, nearly knocking me from my feet. It is a familiar feeling, but a feeling that I know now, I have resisted for countless years.

It is as if i forgot what a friend was to me. How useful it is to have a friend to lean on, tell secrets, and to trust. I notice I am filled with hate, my history explains this feeling. With some difficulty, i brush this feeling aside. Suddenly, the 'spirit' which was before me was no more. I spent some time contemplating the words images, feeling, and words that had occured between the spirit and myself. Not soon after, the most beautiful voice in all of avalon graced my ears.

The sound of her voice put lustful thoughts in my mind. She requested that we speak in some private place. The warmth of a woman has escaped me since I had decided to walk this solitary path. I could not keep my thoughts straight, I found myself getting excited. A sudden dread climbed up my throught as I realized that this same voice which spoke to my soul without even trying was the very voice that I had come to love, and had just murdered.

It is no suprise at all that this mortals blood tasted so sweet, especially considering how graceful her voice and how stunning her beauty. I walked to the place of agreed meeting and I was no longer the Plague of Evil, the Sorcerer who desired only to feast on the blood of the freshly deseacesd. I felt gitty, as though I was meeting a forbidden lover. At first, it was very formal. eventually we got caught up in our usual banter, but it was serious. Genuine concerns instead of the trivial arguments we normally had discussed in our past. No progress was made, but I realized that emotions that I thought I had once buried were very much there and still valid.

Time seemed to be no friend to neither myself, nor the fairest woman in all of avalon and we had to bid each other farewell. It broke my heart to see her walk away. It occurred to me that in all the time that we had been apart, I blamed her for not following me. I expected her to be by my side. I took advantage of our love and cared nothing for her when I left her and the world which betrayed me. Selfishly, I expected that my decision would be made for both of us. Betrayed by my self in these thoughts, I pushed her farther away from me and continued to blame her for the wrongs of my life. It was if she was the only direct link to those who had actually hurt me. Unseen by my own eyes, it was her and a few others who actually cared for my well being.

During our conversation, I noticed that I found myself lost in her eyes. At times I didn't even hear her because I longed to hold her. The idea of admitting to her exactly how much I had loved her had crossed through my mind several times. Things that should have been said went unspoken. Actions that should have been made, went undone.

I blame myself of course. Either I am too weak to accept the love which hath been given to me, or I am to strong to succom to love. Is it weakness to know deep within myself that I can not be whole without my one true love and not act upon it? Is it a strength putting my own personal ambitions above all and walking a life of solitude as the only sacrfice?

Even if I wanted to reunite with my long lost love, would I beable to throw away all that I have accomplished? I am GuildMaster, and worked hard to get to this position. I have unsatisfied goals and ambitions in regards to this guild and my order. Is it possible to have it all?

The real question is this though, can I see myself as a Sorcerer forever? Can I serve the cause of Evil for the rest of my life? I must probe myself for these answers. As much as i think i was destined to walk this path, It is very much so likely that I choose this path to prove to those that had hurt me that they would regret that mistake.

What have I become?

It is useless to avoid it. My heart will not allow me to forget. I must keep a watchful eye on my and my emotions. Difficult decisions lie ahead and all of avalon will be affected by it.

Thus I close this entry so as to allow myself further thought in regards to the issues proposed just recently.

Days would escape me without a single thought of you, those days were easy. I was focused and determined. Many days though, I found myself starring over the vastness of the oceans. Sitting upon the harbors of Thakria, the sea’s mists cooling me as each dark, blue wave smashed against the shoreline, I would find myself exploring an all too familiar like dream. No longer starring into the vastness of the oceans, I find myself gazing into the beautiful eyes which I know could only belong to you.

Suddenly, as if I had been startled, my eyes avert their attention and all around me is made a new. Golden rays of light break through the forest canopy which makes the life around hum to the warmth of the sun. The canopy is dense but the trees are alive. The song of birds singing, the sounds of squirrels wrestling in some fallen leaves close by, and sound of a waterfall off in the distance provide tranquility and my tense muscles relax.

Curious as to how I managed to come across this place, I glance back to where the woman once stood. Nothing remained of this woman, no tracks of her entrance or of her exit. Was she nothing more than an illusion?

Standing off in the distance though, it is clear that this woman was no illusion. She walks just a few yards within sight. Weaving in and through the almost maze like forest, she leans herself against a very old redwood tree. Delicately she brings her hand to her face and brushes her lock from her eyes. Her gracefulness is seen as she lets her arms slide to her body and her hands interlock with each other. The beauty of this young image is magnified even more so as if the light of the sun attracts itself to her and no shadow fall upon her image. A white flowing material is wrapped about her body. It is a wonder why she had decided to wear clothing at all for the material of this specific outfit was so nearly transparent that it was as if she hadn’t been wearing anything.

Each beauty of this woman is perfected by this almost majestic cloth. Her face is framed by the hood which she wears. The fairness of her skin is made more visible as her arms, a creamy smooth tan, can be seen without the veil from this material. Her body speaks volumes of her beauty. The cloth of preference by this woman seemingly hugs at her tightly. Her legs are a light tan in color, long in length, and slender in nature. The shoulders of a Goddess, it is visible that although they are strong and well perfected; there is fragileness upon them. Her neckline seemingly begs for something to accompany it. Her bosom is supple and perky. Upon the tip, an erect, pink, fleshy nipple erects from this cloth. The waist is seen to be firm and slender. The Curve of her back is made more exaggerated by the full roundness of her behind.

She walks away from me, slow, seductively. She turns her head back to me, one eye masked by the hood she wears upon her head, the other sparkles as a young girls might, when she is playing with the young boys who chase her unaware of the reason why they do. She turns her head gently toward the direction she now walks in. It is clear she wants me to follow; an unspoken command was issued with those eyes. I find myself helplessly drawn to her.

The sounds of the waterfall which had at one point been very distant, is now upon us. I stand at the very edge of what seems to be the lake in which it falls upon. I stop; confused as to what we are doing by this waterfall I decide that I shall just watch what she is doing.

She doesn’t seem to mind that I have stopped for she continues to walk. She walks to the base from which the water springs forth from the top of the ledge. Tenderly she places hey small petite foot into the water, deeper it goes and no sign of discomfort is expressed. In fact, it seems as though she is at home in this instant. The fall of water upon her makes it impossible to determine whether she is in fact wearing anything at all at this time. She holds out her arms and looks to the sky.

The sun bursts through upon the waterfall and upon the beauty of my one and only true love. Each droplet of water lands gently upon the fairness of her skin, separates, and the sun cause the entire area to sparkle as the prisms of each droplet reflect a magical light upon the area. The moment is as thought it was being read to me about two lovers who had always loved, but not till this moment were they ever able to fill their love with each other.

An uncontrollable surge of will almost made me jump into the pool of water and grasp her in my arms. If this surge has been but just another second I most assuredly would have. Instead, my mouth gapping, and my body left stunned, I continue to stare at this angel. I am not even sure if she is aware of my presence for it is an unseemly sight that I am in. No other man is made more of a fool then he who stands before a practically naked woman and is unable to avert his eyes for the sake of manners nor take hold of this woman and claim her has his own.

She dips her still clothed but naked body into the clear water below her. She lets her hood which had at one time kept her beautiful locks fall to her back. It is clear that she is enjoying herself as random giggles come forth as she splashes and wades through the water. Our eyes meet again but just for a mere second…

Suddenly, and without any rhyme or reason, I am pulled from this dream. I am again sitting upon the Thakrian docks. Desperately I look over the ocean again, hoping that I might again be pulled into this fantasy. With no success in doing so, my mind is fragmented and scattered. I hold no thought for any length of time for I desire to be in that place of Edan with you for an eternity.

At one point, I considered these to be the worst and most difficult days of my life. I know look back and realized that these days were the only days that I had truly lived in the years of the past. Unknown to myself, when I decided to abandon my friends and loved ones, I had killed myself. It was impossible to know if I would ever live again, these dreams and the thought of you are the only thing that kept me alive in this slumber that I willingly choose to sleep.

I am at a point of great significance in my life. I desired so greatly to be known in this realm as a great success, for people to speak of my name many generations after I am gone, to leave an unforgettable mark upon this land. I wanted to do impossible things and stamp my name across them. Is it not the very core of humanity to leave a legacy behind them? I must probe myself though; can I be remembered without being feared? Can I have power without being a tyrant? Can I love without being weak? What sacrifices if any are worth being sacrificed for any sort of power? I know now for this to be true, Power comes from within, not from how others perceive your greatness. It is possible for you to be viewed as weak but in fact be the most powerful mortal to live. I must accept that although other people’s impressions upon me are important, they cannot, and will not make me something I am not. The question that ultimately comes to my mind again is thus, who am I?

To remind those who may have spoken to me in game about this journal I remind you, this is a personal journal that is not meant to be a referred to in game. The things that I speak of in here are an internal representation of the conflict that I deal with in all things that I have done in my past relative to the game. I may ask some of you what your thoughts are in regards to my journal, know that in doing so I am asking from a OOC (out of character) context. Your personal character can not act as though they know anything that has been referenced in this Journal unless i have given hint to it and your character has speculated it anyways.

Also this journal is very personal, thus it allows me to bring forth the ideas that I have in this entry. What is this game except real and full of conflict. To not talk about in a personal and private journal is to take a modern taboo to the past. Regardless though, this is not actually supposed to be known by any of your characters. It is only supposed to be read to better your understandment of my character or for entertainment purposes. Thank you for the continued support of my journal.

In Avalon, it is the 27th day of Springflower, 1036 years since the Divine
War.

A single tear trickles down my cold, pale cheek. My heart, which had been warmed by your presence, is broken. I feel the exterior of my heart starting to stone over. As I wipe the one and only tear from my face and a very brief sob creeps through my pursed lips. I realize that, although i am destined for great things, it comes at a price.

I am destined to love. There was a time when I embraced this with all my heart. There was no greater joy to look upon the woman, friends, and city that i loved. My heart swelled with compassion everytime I saw these loves of mine. A time came, however, where these faces were not the faces I recognized. I ask myself time and time again, 'Were my eyes clouded and unable to see the faces, or did the faces themselves change into such hideous monsters? Or was it both?'

My heart rejected its destiny. Many months I refused to acknowledge my purpose in this realm. I looked upon the city I used to call home and spat at it. I looked upon my friends that I once thought to be loyal and forced strangulation upon them. Looking over their lifeless bodies, I rejoiced. I looked upon the face of my love and saw tears running down her face. I wondered, what could cause these tears to flow from her eyes like this? Recognizing nothing else except the tears that flowed from this face, i too, forced my will against her and stood above her lifeless body.

My heart could not bare any further hurt. It closed itself and hypnotized my mind. Where once stood friends, now stood monsters with sharpened fangs and a thirst of hunger in their eyes. Their claws trying to dig themselves into my flesh. I accepted these illusions because I choose to remain blind. I was always aware of a much deeper emotion from within the cavern of my heart. Each blow i made against my enemies, I felt my heart yearn for me to embrace my foes that stood before me. With each death that my glazened eyes witnessed, it begged me to put life back where I had taken it from. Even as I walked through the lands of my former home, this deep desire to fall upon my knees and embrace the soil that had given me birth to friendships and love, almost overcame me.

There came a day where my heart grew tired of resisting hurt and the stoney exterior was not as stoney as before. I began to see things in a new light. The tears that my lover shed for so long weren't the only things I saw. A aloneness in her eyes and a shiver that could only be calmed by the embrass of her one love. I saw that her heart had also been closed. She could not deal with the emptyness of her heart and tried countless times to find comfort in others where she could only find comfort in one.

A close friend of mine saw deep within my heart that I yearned to be the man I once was. As a true brother, he held out his hand and tried to guide me back to the path that I had lost many ages ago.

It is true, my heart had been turned cold by the actions of others, but this man, my brother, also played a huge part in my decisions to keep on the new path I willingly chose to walk. I valued this man's words almost as much as I would value any God's words. Looking back at my decision, I knew that I made it for the wrong reasons, Firentz, my brother, also saw this but was unable to keep his emotions to himself. Words of no particular meaning were spoken so as to give offense. My heart already hurt by so many others, took these words and used them to bring about a unpenetrable wall to shield myself. His words gave me the foundation for what I had become.

To say the least, family can't hold grudes for long, and I looked into his eyes and saw in them the internal suffering that he had been dealing with upon my leaving. His struggle has been just as difficult as it was for me because our bond had been severed. A friendship that had been through so much was no more and as I grew colder and stood on my own, he grew colder and stood on his own. We both knew that we would never reach our true potential alone and it brought us great anguish to walk these paths alone. Looking into his eyes I saw no ill intentions and took his hand again. Again, we walked the same path and our hearts rejoiced as one.

So it was because my family, and my love, was able to show their love for me that my stoney heart broke free from its slumber and unleashed upon these two souls a love that had never been seen before.

Today is a much different day though. It is raining, a sad sort of day. With no purpose I find myself drudging about in mud and trying to find something of value to do. Nothing sparks any interest. I had some fun with Sir Shmex, put him in his place with mild amusement. As I continue my walk of the lands, mindlessly looking at the ground, something of value catches my eyes. Half covered in mud and fully submerged in water, I would have passed by it had the moon's light not reflected off the it.

I dismount a hideous creature which I had summoned from the domains of Myrkul. This creature carries a flaming two-handed sword and a whip. Its whole shape consumed in a shadowy blue fire. As I dismount, it stands idly at my side. I bend down to pick this rare value up from where I had seen it from my mount.

Upon picking it up, i recognize it immediately and let it fall to its resting place again. I fall to my knees. The tear and sob which was spoken of earlier is the one I experience now. The hideous creature which stands at my side sees my internal struggle. He emits a deathly scream has his masters torment is also his torment. His sword shakes fiercly at the heavens.

I remain on my knees starring into my hands contemplating what this doth mean. My relationship had been so delightful once I had let my stoney exterior fall from my heart. This seemingly imperfect, man made possession had such symbolic importance that it should never have been thrown aside like this. I am tempted to pick it up and shove it in her face, demanding to know the why behind her actions. My pride swells from within and refuses me to touch it again for fear of being burnt alive by the internal struggle. Instead, I harden, and find myself in solitude. No longer am I sure that I am destined to love, but maybe I am destined to walk the lands alone.

It seems that either Love is meant to avoid me, or it is meant to hurt me at each turn. It seems, even though I have so much else on my plate, that I must again make a difficult decision. I wonder if my heart is capable of opening itself to a women who seemingly doesn't think before she acts or doesn't know the value of simple things and is quite easily able to toss such things aside. Love is nothing more then the little things and if she throws these small insignificant, but priceless things aside, it is doubtful that our love will stand the test of time.

My heart is stuck in my throat and makes my penning difficult. I must stop here for fear of leaving tear marks across my sacred journal [A tear drop falls upon these pages just as he closes it].

Interesting. nadine